“Inside the safe stories we tell ourselves in order to be able to deal with our lives, lies the truth of what we are.” – anonymous
I was thinking today deeply about this past year of my life and all the ups and downs it has held. More then usual. How everything that has happened has been exactly what I have needed to land me where I am today. As massive as it all was, it was the exact medicine to remedy a soul quake that started many many years ago.
Saying no has been a valuable tool this past year. No to what I don’t want. No to what doesn’t resonate with me and my energies. Saying no to projects and things that take so much of my time and energy.
I realized what I wanted.
To be myself. At all times.
That isn’t a riddle or a poem, although it is poetic in how it all came to pass.
At times I needed to turn off the opinions of others as they twisted and turned, sometimes wanting only to hurt me for my decisions. Cutting the cords to those people in my life was the best thing I ever did. It allowed me to untangle the tangled parts that I lost myself in. I found strength in moving away from what I thought I wanted to what I know I needed.
My inner circle has shed and regrown. Do you know how detrimental that can feel? When you lose those you trust and who have been loyal? It feels like a death. A sudden impact 100 mph into a brick wall. A bit dramatic, but none the less painful. To pick oneself up after a fallout can take seconds or decades. Each dependent only on what one needs to learn to grow forward and out of it. No one can truly ever understand what it is like until they go through it themselves. And to hell with those that enjoy watching the suffering of the one going through it. There is a special place for you after you leave this world. Where you learn the value of that karma.
Then there are those who preach how someone has this or that energy, and they avoid them like a disease, yet isn’t everything a mirror? Isn’t their ‘bad energy’ just a reflection of your own? When do we stop putting off connection and claiming what is our true state of being?
It is never right for anyone to assume they know what is going on with anyone. I don’t care how intuitive or psychic one is, it’s a misuse of power. Everyone has a story and those stories are what make people unique, special and interesting. Everyone is on their own path, and is experiencing exactly what they need too in order to grow and learn. Celebrate that! instead of turning it into a rejection orgy.
It is so easy now to have people act this way. Social media creates a heightened sense of cliche high school drama, where people can rant about others and turn waves of hate in any direction they please. And those who follow blindly without thinking their own thoughts deserve the karma that dishes up.
Where is the gratitude? I have a long lost sister who checks in by email every few years. The strange thing is she does it as if we have never stopped talking. “Hey sis” like we never had a falling out. She has never finished one of these half aborted conversations with me, and has glossed over it in a disgustingly sugar coated way while her head is stuffed into the sand oblivious to her insulting actions. Each time she reaches out I sit with her email for a few days, which seems to infuriate her. How dare I not answer HER email immediately! Indeed. I take some space to process the feelings that come up, the residual pain left there, tender and sore, and when I am ready I respond. In a world of instant communication where people text you out of the blue expecting you to be doing nothing but being readily available, is it too much to say Hey! I’m in need of some room to respond when I can, and when Im ready and when its right for me….
This brings such insult to some. She answers my delayed response with crickets. Oh how many times we have had unfinished conversations left to rot in the void. This is healing?
Sadly it just is what it is for some things.
I worked with a woman for a few years who was shy about writing publicly. After some encouragement and some mentoring she began to bloom. Her writing became popular and many people started to read her stuff. We co-created for awhile, until I felt as if it became all about her and when I addressed this feeling of our work together becoming one sided I was met with a strange mix of clueless arrogance and we never resolved how to fix that sense of one sidedness. This is the case sometimes, when people wake up their super powers, they resent or discard those that helped them do it. A natural shedding along side the eagle leaving the nest, mixed with a bit of big headed egotistical muck. Eventually they turn on you, blaming you for this or that, or accusing you of being jealous of their superior talents. Quickly making it awkward to do anything beneficial together, let alone co-creating anything beautiful. Sometimes we need to shake off the teacher so we can be who we are meant to be. I have learned that shaking off the teacher can be painful, and sometimes not so much. It all depends on how you approach it.
There comes a time when we outgrow the need for help. There comes a time when we need to be on our own. I have found that honoring those who helped us get to that point is the best way to go. It eases any heart pain and makes gratitude the prevailing stance. No one wants to feel bad about people who have helped them thrive. Yet unfortunately some just don’t care to keep it civil and nice. They prefer heartache, separation and division.
It’s like a bad breakup.. where either partner can be loving to the other one minute, and suddenly someone you once shared your heart and body with becomes your nemesis and seeks to destroy you. Funny how fickle love can be. It’s great until it’s not. And then when it’s not it’s easier for some to hate and run then stay and love.
Heartbreak heals a strange combination of self worth, self love and will. To overcome these spaces one must find an inner strength to not only move on, but to choose love over hate and revenge.
Being bitter about anything in life is a chosen slow death by poisonous thought. It rots you from the inside out and turns your teeth yellow, your breath bad and turns your gut to mold. One must remedy any bitterness they have least they meet their final demise.
One act of violence has so much repercussion.
One act of love can change everything.
Hating anything causes chronic pain.
Judging others creates a chasm of bitter divide.
Holding up your “I’m Right” sign does nothing but take up space for love.
Seeing those we once loved in darkened hues changes our entire palette and dishonors the love that once grew there. How can anything bloom when planted in sour soil?
We don’t always get what we want.
It isn’t always your way.
Ask any 2 year old how that story goes.
Learning to share our wisdom, our love, our insights and our space is an adventure worth taking. If you can do it without losing all faith in love then you have succeeded in this lifetime. No one has any right to tell you you are anything less then beautiful. And anyone who does, deserves nothing of your kindness in return. There is no being the bigger person in this place. There is only real. If you are not being authentic these days others will know, simply be listening to their own inner senses. There is no room anymore for being an ass. Calling other people names. Standing up with your victim badges and proclaiming atrocities that simply project your own wounds.
Put some healing salve on along with your big boy girl panties and start giving a shit about how you treat other people. It doesn’t mean you have to be pollyanna and love everyone while they walk all over you and take advantage as some do….. it means having strong boundaries, not being afraid to say NO, and respecting your own time and energy fields without making it other peoples fault.
We have all been hurt somehow. Its inevitable here in this incarnation called EARTH. And each time you fall into the trap of illusion that you’re a victim of something, consider what your own lesson is first before you start rampaging about it publicly or otherwise. I’ve learned my own lessons in all that.
Healing has to do with ones ability to be truthful with oneself first, and then moving into safe spaces for others to feel heard, seen and understood. You can’t do any good in this world if you’re filled with bloody seeping wounds that leave a trail everywhere you go and slime everyone you spend time with.
Clean it up.
And move on. Recover.
Your story doesn’t end with you lying in a puddle of your own blood.
Unless you want it too.