When my grandmother died last Summer we spent hours going through her stuff. Sorting into piles that which she had spent her whole life accumulating. She didn’t have much so there wasn’t a lot but there was enough. As we reflected on the items we sorted we saw much of her life and her love in them. Each piece contained a piece of her love. She was a beautiful woman, full of life, some regrets, and she spent most of her days towards the end reflecting on the memories she so cherished and worked so diligently at making.
As I sorted, occasionally I would come across an item or a letter I had given or wrote to her. All from various times of my life. It was a strange and surreal feeling. At the time I had gifted the items or wrote the letters for her never thinking for a moment I would see them returned. Off they would go in the spirit of giving love each and every time. It made my heart happy to do this and to have her in my life to do it for. I loved her very much. And she loved me just the same. I felt safe in her love, I felt warm and able to breathe softly and I would often fall asleep in her arms as a child knowing and trusting in that space love creates.
As I read my own words in the letters I found, as I ran my fingers over the gifts I had given, each carefully thought of and selected just for her, I realized how all that love I had given had come full circle home to me. Every particular thought of love and care as I had circled her and who she was in the world, in my family, in my life, in spirit, as a whole and chosen a gift from that place within me of pure love, that had returned to me. Full circle. What I had put out there came back to me.
How could I ever feel sad when I felt this was the message. How could I look at it any other way? Sure I could see the emptiness of the material things we leave behind, or the emptiness of no longer having her in my life physically. But that wasn’t the message as I reflected on what was appearing before my eyes as I sorted through the piles of stuff. Sure it was just stuff. Sure she shed it all like the queen she was – elegantly and with grace. But what she gave me in that moment was something far greater. She gave me an understanding of true love.
The kind of love that will always come home full circle. And that what we put out there in all our efforts throughout our lives, returns. If I had written letters of drama, hate, pain and such that would’ve come home to me. I would be reading that energy in my words of these letters. If I had bought gifts without knowing her, without thinking about her or who she really was, those superficial empty gifts would return home, full circle and return to me now and I’d possibly regret not going deeper and not being so lucid in my life. It was a mirror. I was seeing my own heart reflected back to me, my own innocent childhood and turbulent uncertain teenage years, my early adult life and efforts to make memories and connection with family. I saw my later years as my spiritual path deepened and I committed to doing the work, I saw it reflected in the items that came up through the never ending piles of stuff. I was happy with my efforts of being a granddaughter and I was content in my relationship over the years of my life with my grandmother Miriam.
I smiled each time I held one of the items I had gifted her. I felt the memory come alive again, stronger then before. Each item held a moment of beauty, truth, and a deep love. I was thankful to have them come full circle. I put them in a special box and to this day I have them in my home. I open it on special occasions when I am called by spirit to connect to her. And it does. Every time.
I pondered how if she had been alive and given the things back, how that may have changed how I received the gifts. Would I have been hurt? Would I thought she didn’t like them? or that she didn’t see my love or my heart in each item I carefully selected just for her? Maybe. Perhaps. But that isn’t how it happened. She kept them because she saw my love in them. It connected her to me, and to my love for her. She treasured them and held them safe with honor and respect until the day she died. She let the love fill her heart and she would smile over and over when she read my letters or looked at the items I had gifted to her. She loved me and I loved her. That love was honored complete.
Now when something like this happens I think back to this story. I contemplate how what we put out into the world, comes back to us. If we put hate out, hate comes back. If we put love out, love comes back. If we put kindness out, kindness comes back. Eventually. It may not always feel like that sometimes, and it may not come back the way you think it will, but it does, eventually. I know this to be true by experience. It’s not something I learned in a book, but people have written about it. It is a worthy subject.
It’s a challenge when you do something in a gesture of love, and wonder at the gesture of the return. If it is done in hate it can do great damage to ones heart. It can shut them down and close their bloom. It can destroy beauty and it has the power to do much harm to another. Yet even here in this place, if you allow yourself to LOVE, THEN BREATHE…. you will see that it was your love and your beauty that instigated the giveaway. That it was your own love and beauty that took the time to give from an open heart, from your center, from your place of truth, and that THIS is what is returning to you. This is what is coming full circle and this is what is coming h((OM)e to you now. Your perspective changes the hate. Your vision of how you choose to see it changes any negativity attached to anything. It melts it away and transforms it completely.
I recently returned from 5 wonderful days at the Cape with my biological sister. It was a wonderful healing journey. Instigated by Hunting Hawk who channeled a message to me in Colorado “Where is your sister?” he asked. And it hit home. So because of that and a series of fortunate events her and I ended up on a sister road trip after Easter this year. Holy coordinated by our grandmothers spirit. She appeared every step of the way. We tracked our grandmothers energy and we both saw what we needed to see. It was a complete cosmic setup. Thank you Hunting Hawk for the message and powerful change you brought, the healing that my family felt because of it, the signs and confirmation received through it, and the wonderful opportunity to be on the ocean for the partner solar eclipse of my Birthday April 15th lunar eclipse when you were initiated and gifted me your message. Full circle indeed. The depth this journey has taken me on is inconceivable within the linear mind. The amount of love conceived could populate an entire planet. I am eternally grateful.
On the Cape when the wild turkey ran along our car and flapped its wings and ran across the road in front of us, I knew the giveaway was complete. This was confirmed by my Shima. I knew when the blue wolf ran along our car and crossed in front of us, my guides and beings of light that love me were working on my behalf. I knew when the jelly fish floated all the way up to my shoe on the beach, the ancient ones were listening. I knew when the swan appeared in our backyard that morning, that we were being gently held in spirits graceful love. We were safe, protected and honored.
My sister and I meditated on the beach at night under the stars. We did ceremony on the Solar eclipse at the very end of the cape where the whales were spotted on our first day of arrival. As the sun went down a coyote crossed the parking lot and ran up the path. We followed. Nothing but dunes, and empty beach, dark blue cloudy skies for as far as the eyes could see. Here in this place, within the energy of all that had happened, I drew on the Earth my first symbol. In honor of love. The kind of love I hope to give away to those I meet, and the kind of love I pray to have returned to me.
My prayers were answered the first day I arrived h((OM)e in New York. A big package of love was waiting for me. In every item I felt the love. In every one a moment, a memory, a feeling, a truth, a reality based on completion – thinking, feeling, finding, knowing, trusting, acting. As I held each item, I carefully reflected on it. Yes, there you are. There we are, there is the potent love I put out into the world. I saw the acceptance of that love, the rejection of that love, the honoring of that love, the return of that love. I was gifted a great gift in the return of love. It was as if my grandmother herself put that last final finishing touch on my month of April herself. Remember sweet girl, I can hear her saying, what we love deeply always comes back to us one way or another. This level of acceptance and receiving takes great courage. Love, then breathe dear one. Love, then breathe.